The big step – Proposing

Hi all your marriage mechanic here once again. This is a long one folks but worth the read.

Before you accept the proposal

When we look at the movies and see a gentleman get down on his knees in a public place, all eyes gazing, activities grind to a halt, and he pops the famous question “will you marry me?” The girl with tear filled eyes, palpitating heart, and numerous promptings from the eager public to answer in the affirmative, she says the also famous words “I will.”  Oh, movies can really make things glamorous and wonderful to behold.

I would like to begin this series on “Before you propose & Before you accept the proposal” by asking both the man and the woman to consider the following questions and make it part of their deliberations with each other as they get ready for this very important step in their lives.

1. How do you define marriage?

Your definition of anything forms your frame of reference for that thing and the expectations that you will have.  Do you both have the same concept and understanding of what a marriage is supposed to look like? Before you propose share with your intended wife what you have in mind regarding what you visualize marriage to be. Share with her what you believe your roles will be and how you intend to chart the future. It is equally important that as a bride to be that you similarly share your expectations of marriage and the roles you both would adopt.

Without contradiction, many were very disappointed soon after getting married when they realized that the way they thought the family would function was very different.

So, let’s get back to the definition.

Let me give you an example; You are down on your knees and you are proposing, if you believe that men are superior to women or that women should be seen and not heard, then you are really proposing to be her dominant ruler, and enforcer of your ideas and she would be the bearer of your children and the keeper of your house. If she shares the same definition as you and is willing to become what you expect of her, you will have no problem.  However, if she believes that you are both equal in God’s eyes, your position as head of the home is a God ordained role and her role is to help you become the best version of yourself, then she would expect that you would lover her and value her opinions and you would not maltreat her.

The parties getting married must show an understanding of what is expected of them and be mature enough to make whatever adjustments necessary to make living together a wonderful experience.

Let’s look at some definitions. You may agree or disagree with them. The real question is how do you define marriage?

Marriage is a divine ordinance.

The total commitment of the total person to a total way of life.

A state of terrible torment that those who enter are compelled to undergo for a time to fit them for a better world.

Marriage is an institution ordained and ordered by God

A divine institution ordained by God where a male and female are committed to become one by loving each other.

A covenanted relationship between a male and female for the purpose of creating a new family.

The reader would observe that the definitions listed refer only to a male and female union.  The author does not recognize same sex marriages or cohabitation as legitimate marriages.  It is not that I am not aware of the laws of our country and those of others; however, I lay hold to the Word of God, as written in the Bible, as always being present and relevant.

The parties getting married must show an understanding of what is expected of them and be mature enough to make whatever adjustments necessary to make living together a wonderful experience.  Based on the definition that is espoused by each person an indication is given about how the marriage might be shaped and the values that may be upheld.

2. Why do you want to get married?

This is a very credible question that needs a very honest answer.  People have many different reasons for wanting to get married, some are noble and some ignoble.  The honest answer to this question would help you to determine whether you are about to build on a solid or shaky foundation.

HERE ARE 5 HEALTHY REASONS FOR MARRIAGE:

 

1. Expression of love and Companionship

Genesis 2:18 – And the LORD God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone: I will make him a help meet for him.”

The number one reason for people coming together is usually love and companionship.  Couples want to share their lives with each other to bring some form of meaning to their existence.  Their love for each other makes living apart almost unbearable. The real value of human existence is our interaction with one another.  We are social creatures, thus the need for companionship and meaningful relationships.  When you believe that you have found your soul mate, you just want to share the rest of your life in the company of this person.

 

2. Mutual assistance

Genesis 2:18 And the LORD God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone: I will make him a help meet for him.”

The job of caring for the Garden of Eden was given to Adam.  God saw that Adam was working alone and was not pleased, so He created Eve to help Adam and address his aloneness. If a wife does not choose to help her husband, she has lost her purpose as it relates to marriage.

A wise man would value the contribution of his wife and empower her to be a significant contributor to the marriage union.  If God saw that man needed help from a woman, I think He is credible enough for us to trust Him.

But let me also say that a woman or a wife needs help from her husband also.  The running of a home can be very exhausting, and it is further compounded by the presence of children.  Cleaning, cooking, doing the laundry, doing the dishes, doing the groceries and restocking the pantry, ironing the clothes; add babies to that and you have changing the baby, bathing and pampering, feeding the baby, up all night because the baby is crying for no apparent reason, or may have a cold, helping the older ones with homework, etc.  I know you get my point.

Some men do not see the need to help their wives with these chores and wonder why she becomes so irritable and even despise him.  Worse yet, some working wives are expected to do all these things after they get home from their jobs.  Men must realize that marriage is a partnership and help their wives in order to protect her from exhaustion.  A rested wife would better meet the needs of her husband than one who feels like a slave and does not have enough time to recuperate.

 

3. Procreation

Genesis 1:28    And God blessed them: and God said unto them, “Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue it; and have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the birds of the heavens, and over every living thing that moveth upon the earth.”

There is a natural inclination in man to have children.   In practically every matrimonial speech, the toasters would mention a desire for the couple to have children.  Sexual activity may move from an act of pleasure to working hard to reproduce.

Marriage is also about children.  This sober thought should be considered before you get married.  It is a natural thing to want to reproduce and leave a legacy.  Therefore, both parties should hold significant discussions on the number of children they would like to have and how they plan to nurture these children.

A thought worthy of mentioning is that for some persons there would be the inability to have children. This is usually beyond your control.  I will not attempt to dissuade you from seeking spiritual, medical, or even herbal solutions, however, if you have exhausted all possible solutions, I recommend you consider adoption.  You should not be afraid to talk about this topic when planning to have children.

 

4. To avoid sexual immorality

1Corinthians 7:1-2  Now concerning the things of which ye wrote to me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman.   Nevertheless, to avoid lewdness, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband.

I know that the sexual drive is equal to hunger in the human make up.  However, God gave very clear guidelines regarding sex and none approved of the act outside the covenant of marriage.   You should immediately desist from having sex if you are not married.

If you want to have sex, you must think marriage.  Don’t just think about the sexual pressure to remain pure; instead think of all the implications of living a life of fornication.  It is more difficult and painful to obey Satan than to obey God.

You should immediately desist from having sex if you are not married.

 

5. A sign of maturity

Genesis 2:24  “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they shall be one flesh.”

The scripture said for this cause a man shall leave his parents and cleave to his wife.  The husband must be mature and can make proper decisions to guide his new wife and family to accomplish their dreams.  He must be able to leave his parents and start his new family.  If he cannot be on his own then one must question his readiness.

One can never really develop as a complete man or woman if one is continually under the scrutiny of one’s parents.  Mature does not mean that you have all the answers.  You may be a little fearful and probably apprehensive; that’s ok.  If you are ready for marriage, face the challenges and fears together so you both grow together. Now go get that ring and propose!